essentially about nothing. I can see the producers pitching this to the studio
execs… “It’s about nothing. You know, like Seinfeld, except without any humor.
The actors will mumble awkwardly all the way through. Nothing much will happen.
It will be REAL.” The movie gods then nodded, and said, “Brilliant.” And,
unfortunately for me, the movie was made.
We’ve all got an “I want my money back” list. Here’s a few movies that I
wanted more than my money back on…
Blair Witch Project:
Two hours of three college kids bickering in the woods while using a shaky
camera. I wanted to punch those actors halfway into it. The last five minutes
were spooky, but it wasn’t worth the nausea.
The main character was the strong silent type, doing very bad things for a
good reason. I’m down with that. But given that the movie was about him
falling in love with this chic and her kid, it might have been wise if those
two were given some dialogue. This movie should have been called
Stare, because there was a lot more staring than driving going on. I
wanted the ruthless mobsters in this movie to torture them into saying
An end-of-the-world story where everyone is starving so they either resort
to cannibalism or commit suicide. Actual line from the movie: “You didn’t eat
your kids?” I wanted to kill myself five minutes into this one.
Rock of Ages:
An eighties hair band musical. Maybe I would have appreciated this as a
Broadway musical, but I wanted to plug my ears and close my eyes through most of
this movie. You know there’s a problem when Tom Cruise’s codpiece is the
highlight of the film.
I wanted a lobotomy after watching this. What started out as an intense
suspense movie turned into an incest flashback-fest. Hollywood needs to draw a
much thicker line between addressing an issue and sensationalizing it.
Brad Pitt in a leather mini and Sir Laurence Olivier in a muumuu. I wanted
some of whatever that wardrobe designer was smoking.
I think this was the longest movie ever made. The disjointed storyline
didn’t help and they actually felt the need to show a little girl get eaten by
dogs. Uncalled for. I can’t unsee that. I wanted to poke that director in the
Don’t get me wrong. I love movies. There are many great movies out there.
But three Beverly Hills Chihuahua movies? Were any of them necessary?
Here’s my first helpful hint to movie execs: sequels are rarely a good idea.
Another helpful hint: don’t remake it if it was done right the first time.
They recently remade Footloose and Total Recall. Why? What was
great about Recall was its uniqueness and the surprising twists and
turns. Guess what? We already know what happens. I realize there have been
advances in special effects since Arnold graced the screen, but it’s not like
they used fishing wire and sock puppets in 1990. Here’s an idea: come up with
And while I’m on a roll here, let me just say this: not every female role
needs to be played by someone who looks like a Victoria’s Secret model. Beauty
comes in many forms. Stop shoving these Barbie dolls in my face. Somebody
needs to keep Hostess in business; feed some of your actresses a Twinkie now and
And what is with this new trend out there of ending a movie without any
resolution? I’ve seen at least six movies lately that have just ended
mid-stream. It’s like the writers just gave up and said, “Let’s let the
audience think of their own ending.” Unsatisfying. If I have to make up my own
ending, they should have to pay me, not the other way around.
I would understand if it were easy to get a Hollywood movie made. I
don’t expect anything that shows up on YouTube to be magical. But they put a
lot of money, big name actors, and special effects into Indiana Jones Number
4, and I want to know what the hell happened there.
If I’m going to get a babysitter and pay movie theater prices to sit in a
filthy seat for two hours, I think I’m going to have to have script approval
from now on. No more storylines with gaping holes. No more vomit-inducing
dialogue. Sequels will only be allowed if there is something more to say with
those characters. Audrawood would rock.
Well, for me at least.
Alas, what is considered entertainment is subjective. I thought The
English Patient was a snore, but it won the Academy Award. As much as I
hate to admit it, not everyone would be satisfied with my movie choices. Like
Internet shopping and blind dates, I suppose movie-going will always be a bit of
a gamble. But I’m begging you Hollywood, enough with the talking animal movies
already. I can’t take it anymore.
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