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April foolishness part 4

4/21/2013

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Almost finished making an April fool of myself.  Here’s my final embarrassing moment…

Did I mention laughter is not always appropriate?

I had a giggle fit at my grandma’s funeral.  I know how bad that sounds – but it’s not my fault. 
My aunt’s cell phone went off like three times.  And her ring tone was this really upbeat Beach
Boys song.  What was truly funny, though, was the agitated whisper argument she had with her
sister while it was happening.

 And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her daddy takes the T-Bird away!

 "Is that yours?"

 "What?!  No one calls me."

 And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her daddy takes the T-Bird away!

  "Just turn it off! It’s that button right there!"

  (Hand being smacked)

  "No, it’s this one here."

"So push it!"

 "I would, but it makes a really loud sound when I turn it off."

And she'll have fun, fun, fun 'til her daddy takes the T-Bird away!

 "Not as loud as that!" 

"Who is calling me?  No one ever calls me!"

 I might have managed a quiet chuckle except that my brother was doing his Precious hyena laugh next to me.  It’s quiet, but it shakes the entire pew.  And it’s friggin’ contagious.  I was defenseless.

My grandma, who lived a long life, did enjoy a good laugh during her stay here, so I hope she was giggling from her seat, too.

The great thing about this embarrassing moments topic is that I am sure to be able to revisit it again at a later date.  Unfortunately, we don’t regenerate brain cells as we get older!
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April foolishness part 3

4/14/2013

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My April foolishness continues with more of my most embarrassing moments…

I won’t get into how many times my children have disrobed at inopportune moments.  They’ve
learned the entertainment value of nudity at a young age, what can I say?

I know I should have been embarrassed the time my kid ran around the church asking “Where the hell
is Mikey?” but it was damn funny.

I starred in a documentary about stay-at-home moms once.  It was for a very talented
young lady’s college project, so I figured, what the heck, only ten people will ever see it.  I made the colossal
mistake of trying to “wing it” and “just be myself.”  Apparently I’m Pinocchio’s ineloquent, bloated corpse. 
At one point she asks me a simple question and crickets were chirping waiting for me to respond.  Lucky
me, she posted it on YouTube.  Oh yeah, I forgot about the Internet.  I thought, oh well, some chipmunk
will attack a tourist on film and it will soon disappear into obscurity.  It probably still pops up seven
different ways when you Google my name.  My stupid quotes, complete with “ums.”  Nice. 
The good news is I can never run for office.

More next week …

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April foolishness part 2

4/8/2013

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My embarrassing moments continue, please feel free to do me one better &
leave a comment about your own embarrassing moment…


A fifth grader taught me how to borrow with fractions during my student
teaching.  That’s right, a fifth grader WAS smarter than me.  But at least I
know the difference between a country and a continent, unlike a lot of contestants
on that show.


I have laughed so hard I’ve peed myself, but that’s really more of an
achievement than an embarrassing moment, right?


Laughing isn’t always appropriate, though.  I laughed out loud during a
prayer at a large family gathering.  There were over twenty of us, gathered in a
circle, holding hands while my uncle led us in a lovely blessing.  But his grace
was accompanied by the symphonic bowels of the elderly woman next to me.  It was
like they had something to say, almost lyrical.  What can I say?  Sometimes
flatulence is funny.


More next week…

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April Foolishness part 1

4/1/2013

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In honor of April Fool’s, I have decided to make a fool out of myself this
month.  I’ll be sharing a few of my most embarrassing moments each week, and I’m
hoping you’ll join in and share some of yours…


I once tried to order transcripts for my continuing ed courses from the wrong
university.  I started to get all pissy with the poor registrar gal and
everything, thinking she was some ditzy coed on work study.  Seattle University,
Seattle Pacific University – I’m like, whatever!


I tried to abbreviate the word assassination on the overhead during my
student teaching.  While the students found it amusing, the principal, who was
observing the lesson, was not impressed.


I sat on some guy’s lap in a dark movie theater by accident.  I couldn’t
figure out why I couldn’t get the seat down all the way, until I turned and saw
the reflection of the movie screen in his glasses.  There was terror in his
eyes.  I’d like to think it might have been taken as flirtatious if not for the
fact that he was there with his wife and kid.


More to come next Monday…

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    Audra Middleton is a somewhat neurotic and terminally sarcastic author and mother of three from Washington State.

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