​I finally caved. My cheap throw-away flip phone is gone and I now own a smart phone. I resisted for years, because I hate them. The texting, the being constantly tethered to the Internet, the cost. It really wasn’t for me.
 
But not having a smart phone definitely had its drawbacks as well. Like it or not, the vast majority of the people in my life text. Trying to text using number keys is akin to trying to operate a rotary phone - laborious, time consuming, and inevitably infuriating. Not to mention the cost of being held hostage by group texts. I appreciate the convenience of it – like say when a coach needs to let us all know when practice is. But I could care less that little Freddy will be at practice, and without a texting plan, I really didn’t appreciate having to spend a dollar to find out. And there’s at least fifteen little Freddy’s each time. Then I’d have to spend ten minutes deleting all the “Little Freddy will be there!” messages because my phone had no storage and would constantly remind me that my memory was full and if I didn’t delete something I wouldn’t be getting messages I actually cared about. Not that I understood many of those. Texts mean nothing when you can’t pull up the photos attached and the emojis show up as blank squares. ‘Ted came to visit today (blank square). Check out this picture of him (black screen).’ Yeah – I don’t even know if Ted is human let alone how my friend is feeling about him.
 
So I was at Costco recently, stocking up on toilet paper and trail mix (because apparently I need to store enough supplies to survive a zombie apocalypse) and I left with a smart phone. I’m not sure what happened – the whole incident is a blur, not unlike being awakened out of a sound sleep to get hazed for a fraternity.  I recall walking by the cell phone station, holding up my flip phone and saying, “I should probably upgrade. My camera died recently and people keep texting me…” There was a sales lady with a thick accent, she’d ask me questions about what I needed and I would shake my head in confusion and hold up my flip phone. “I have no frame of reference.” I was a cave man at Radio Shack.
 
She would sigh and say, “Okay, okay. Here’s what we do...” Upon looking at the numbers she scribbled on the sheet of scratch paper – it seemed as though this new phone and services would not cost me much more than my current plan, considering the texting fees I was accruing. I needed a new camera anyway, and the carrier was having a big sale. There was a rebate, it was buy one get one free, and I got a free tablet thrown in. Of course that was the last day of the sale and it was near closing time. I needed to make a decision right then. As we proceeded, more things kept getting scribbled on that scratch paper. A start-up fee and of course I needed a protective cover. She suggested insurance, and let me know I had to pay tax for the full price of everything. I remember signing more paperwork than I did when I bought my house. I confess I didn’t take the time to read it all – I left wondering if I had promised them my first born.
 
It was fun playing with my new phone, I must admit. My son helped me customize my ring tone (Paperback Writer – the Beatles). I could emoji like a champ. The voice mail-to-text function was thoroughly entertaining (apparently my name is Andrew and nobody speaks in complete sentences). I could take pictures and videos easily. Mostly it was convenient and I could properly communicate with my friends and family.
 
Then the bill came. I knew it was going to be awful given the flashbacks I was having, but sweet baby Jesus in a diaper! I about had a stroke. As if the sum of all the fees I knew about weren’t bad enough – apparently Sales Lady has an entirely different definition of ‘free’ than I do. When I called to complain, they said if I had bothered to read the fine print I would have known that in order to get my tablet ‘free,’ it was given a phone number. A phone number that came with a start-up fee and monthly bill of its own. There’s a fee if I cancel this number I never knew about, so either way that ‘free’ tablet will end up costing me the full retail value of the tablet. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of a con. I mean, what reason would I have for turning a tablet into a phone if I just bought a freaking smart phone? I never would have gotten the tablet, especially since I already have one! Silly me, I thought ‘free’ meant it cost me nothing. Either phone carriers like them are falsely advertising or Webster’s needs to update their dictionary.
 
You’re laughing at me right now. You could have told me phone sales are worse than used car sales, because you probably had a similar experience five or more years ago. Seriously, you could have told me.
 
Well, believe me, I have learned my lesson. Next time a sales lady hands me a stack of legal documents to sign, I will read every word and make her sit there and explain it all to me as I go. On second thought – I think I’ll keep this phone until I die. I paid enough for it – it should last that long, right?

I was at a meeting recently, and one of the ladies there asked me if she
could just ‘go ahead and text me the details’ on something she wanted me to
volunteer for.


To which I replied, "I don’t text."


She looked at me like I had just slapped her grandmother.  Apparently having
an actual conversation with me is a huge chore.  But perhaps I shouldn’t take it
personally.  Perhaps, by rolling her eyes and sighing loudly, she was saying
speaking in general is more difficult for her than typing a thousand
words on a microscopic keyboard.


Yes, instead of returning her dirty look, I should have been looking on her
with pity.  How tedious that must be, going blind and onsetting carpal tunnel
typing all those conversations.  And how maddening it must be for her, trying to
determine whether the person on the other end meant that remark sarcastically or
with real enthusiasm.  How lonely, to spend more time staring at a screen than
at people’s faces.


Well, the upside is, she was so daunted at the thought of actually having to
speak to me outside of the meeting that she found someone else to volunteer for
her.  Someone with a texting plan.  Not that I would have minded volunteering
for the organization.  But after those daggers she threw at me over not texting,
I was a little afraid that if she found out I don’t have a Smart phone, she
might have actually cut me.


I get that texting has its uses.  Ten o’clock at night, you need to get a
message to someone before eight am the next morning, a text is a less intrusive
way to get the message to them.  You need to remind eight different people to be
at the staff meeting the next day; much easier to send one text to all eight
people.  But that’s hardly ever what it’s used for.


The whole concept of texting conversations back & forth has me baffled. 
Do people think all that typing is faster than conversing?  Is the goal to ‘cut
to the chase’ of every conversation?  To avoid unnecessary chit chat?  I’m not
that great at small talk myself, but it’s common courtesy to inquire what a
person’s been up to, or how their elderly mom is doing.  And if it’s your
friends you are texting, why wouldn’t you want to know these things?


I was at a wedding a while back, and as the bride and groom exchanged their
vows, a teenager in the third row was busy texting.  I agree that those
personally written vows can be brutal, but (according to Time magazine) this
couple had just spent nearly thirty grand for the right to regale us with the
details of their love for each other.  The least she could have done was turn
off her damn phone for thirty minutes and smile politely, eyes front, like the
rest of us.


I’m not sure the topic of her conversation, but assuming she wasn’t a
physicist on the verge of a major scientific breakthrough, I’m certain it could
have waited until the reception.  I’m guessing she wasn’t discussing String
Theory.  She was probably commenting on the bride’s gown or complaining of being
bored or some other drivel rattling through her skull at that moment.  Is that
it?  Do people feel the need to document their every thought?  Newsflash -
they’re not all gems.  We need not share everything.


Maybe it’s not vanity.  Maybe there’s a certain thrill to it, like sharing
secrets or passing notes in class.  Watching someone chuckle as they send their
little messages back and forth to someone else does feel a bit like it did when
the other girls on the playground would giggle and whisper secrets in front of
me.  Good times.


And I do remember the thrill of passing notes in class.  It was fun, until
the note got intercepted by a teacher or a mean boy.  My face is probably still
burning about that one dirty note addressed to me (as a joke) that ended up
being read out loud to the entire school bus.  That’s right people, when you
send those naughty little texts to your buds, chances are, somebody else is
going to see them too.  Remember what happened to that NFL player who sent a
picture of his junk?  Who didn’t end up seeing that?  Seriously guys, if
you’re going to do that, put a dollar bill in the shot next to it so we can tell
if we should be impressed or not.


While texting has its uses, I have serious concerns about what it’s doing to
our social skills.  People actually get irritated with me for calling them
rather than texting them.  I know very few people with Smart phones who don’t
let it constantly interrupt the conversations they have with the people who are
physically in their presence.  (That’s another reason why I haven’t bought one,
because I know I’d be tempted to do the same thing.)  Being textually social has
made us personally anti-social.


"I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction.  The
world will have a generation of idiots." ~Albert Einstein